finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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