my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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