life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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