My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
