I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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