Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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