I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
no. you can't hotbox the world.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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