Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize