If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
