lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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