chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
