just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
