There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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