I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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