I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
