By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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