I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
