i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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