my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
