how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
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