Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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