The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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