So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
