you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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