I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Can I color on your dick again?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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