I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
