his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
