I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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