Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
