I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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