Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
