He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
