I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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