Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
