if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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