i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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