I can text with my tongue
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
