sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
