I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
