And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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