i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
