Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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