He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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