my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
