I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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