moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
