I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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