I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
