So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
