Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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