At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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