Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
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