I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
