mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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