she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
