We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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