The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
